Hong Kong, back streets and the importance of saying no
Hello my lovely VIP
Well, welcome to Friday and sunshine too! I hope you’ve had a lovely week and have been enjoying (says in a whisper in case it changes) some lovely summer-y weather. There’s definitely a feel of change in the air. Perhaps it’s the end of exam season or a the end of the school year in sight - or perhaps it’s because at home we’re in the process of a room swap as everyone grows? But, while it’s a little scary and daunting of what comes next - I sense a little excitement about what we may find.
And speaking of what we may find, today’s guest had no idea getting a lower grade at A level would take her to Hong Kong and a whole different career…
S12 Ep 6: From Hong Kong to Bristol through the world of PR: Sarah Woodhouse
When Sarah didn’t get the A level grade she was predicted– she describes it now as a ‘brilliant thing.’ It was thanks to this she studied PR instead of English at university and it opened up a whole world she loved. It’s taken her to Harrods and other big brands in the UK and then all the way to Hong Kong, when a trip to visit friends ended up in a 7 year stay and her own business.
When she returned to England and to Bristol as a single mum, she didn’t think she’d be able to carry on with her career, but how wrong she was. A coach asked her one question which changed the entire way she was looking at life, then she stumbled upon a little PR agency on a back street which today has grown into a thriving company she part-owns.
Sarah is funny, modest and gives a wonderful insight into life in Hong Kong. She talks about the importance of mentors and she gives some brilliant advice at the end. (I’ve been using all her tips ever since!) But Sarah’s story is a story of women helping women. She shows it really is possible to create a life you love, even if it takes you in all different directions you hadn’t planned.
And speaking of directions we hadn’t planned…
What’s a boundary anyway?
I watched in awe this week as our 11-year-old headed off on Year 6 camp, not just at how brave he is - but at what I saw on the love-it-or-hate-it - Class WhatsApp.
It was ALIVE. Some parents were making made farewell banners, some were planning whole generations of family send offs. The frantic (some may say crazy energy) was contagious. But then in one move, the school cut it all off. Drop bags, drop children and then politely make your way.
It was swift, clear and (in my opinion) helpful to all involved.
In other words, a boundary was put in place.
If I’m totally honest I’ve never been really sure what the ‘b’ word means. I think I do, but then I don’t like it.
When I think of the word ‘boundary’, for some reason the Glastonbury Festival comes to mind. I remember when they built the enormous fence around the outside. Some in, everyone else out- a large Gate of Defensiveness in between the two. It made perfect sense in that world, but I’ve never been sure it’s how I wanted to live.
However, in a recent podcast the former monk Jay Shetty says:
“We think a definition of a good person is someone who never says no…. Therefore, this is a definition of a ‘good human being’ - someone who doesn’t have boundaries. But this is not a healthy human.”
As a life-long sufferer of the disease to please, this made sense on paper but in reality, I had no idea. Therefore, I thought it was high-time to finally take my own different direction and learn about them. So, I’ve started with the book ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’ by Nedra Glover Tawwab - a therapist and boundaries expert, and it’s no understatement to say it’s changing my life.
In the opening chapter Nedra talks about a woman called ‘Kim’ who came to see her.
“Kim prided herself on being the best at everything she did, but her worries about getting it all done had become over-consuming. She wanted to be the best friend, wife daughter, worker...”
Kim sat in front of her burnout, drained and full to the brim with resentment. If only everyone around her would stop asking so much, she complained to Nedra, everything would be okay.
I listened to the audiobook, gripped. “Exactly Kim, exactly,” I said, “I hear you. Come on Nedra,” I whispered, “help Kim, help us all. What do we have to say?”
But then Nedra said:
“There is a way you can lighten your load, and after weeks of listening to Kim and building her I trust, I told her, I can see you have a problem with boundaries.”
‘Well, that’s great,’ I tutted, ‘so now poor Kim’s got something else to feel bad about. Why is everything falling on poor Kim?”
But the more I listened, the more I learned and I realised how serious this problem is. According to Nedra:
“The biggest trigger for anxiety is the inability to say no.”
And she went on to say, the majority of her patients suffering from depression had, in her opinion, a problem with boundaries.
The root of boundaries, Nedra says is not our relationship with others, but in the relationship we have with ourselves.
Signs of poor boundaries include:
Unrealistic expectations of ourselves – too high and too low
Overcommitting
Poor time management
Expecting others to have the same opinions of other people as us
Perfectionism
Long conversations with people who leave you feeling drained
Expecting others to behave the way we want them to
After multiple question answering, it came as no surprise to me, or my family that I have a problem with boundaries. (You don’t say, I think I heard Cookie sigh.)
Mine came back as ‘porous.’ But ‘rigid’ is not the answer either - this, according to Nedra causes the same suffering too. It’s not about being unkind or saying no to everything, but it’s about being clear where we end and someone else begins. It’s also about understanding when someone else’s discomfort belongs to them.
So, over the last couple of weeks, I’ve stopped myself when faced with two paths - the people-pleasing one or the one I know is right for me. Awareness of the list above (and some brutal self-honesty) has made me look at all in a completely different way, and saying yes when we really mean no is never a kind thing to do.
I’ve felt disappointment, discomfort and unease – but also, a profound sense of relief. Why, I’m still not one hundred per cent sure, but I suspect the more my side of the fence is becoming a healthier place to hang out, the more that big Gate of Defensiveness is melting away.
And finally…
Next Chapter Wisdom 1
“The cool kids are generally the least brave, they’re all obsessed with fitting in.”
David Hieatt, founder of Hiut Denim - Conversations of Inspiration
Next Chapter Wisdom 2
“It’s time to remember who you truly are, before the world told you who to be”
Kirsty Gallagher
So, my lovely VIP, I hope whatever direction this weekend takes you in, whether it’s a path with gorgeous, blooming boundaries or one where you’re still working out where you want to be - I hope you know I’m right here, still working it with you - but so happy we’re doing it side by side.
Happy sunny weekends
Love E & C
P.S. If you enjoyed the themes of this note, my book The Secrets of The Coffee Club has similar themes of working out who we are in the world.
“Loved this as my summer reading - characters as compelling as before but this one even more gripping” Amazon review *****
P.P.S Thank you so much to our wonderful partners Empire Fighting Chance who are transforming young lives. They would love you to learn more about them. You can find them here.